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Friends, Pikes Peak and returning to ultra distances

The girls had their last week of summer vacation this week. Since we had just returned from our trip 10 days before school started, the last week of summer was filled with appointments, check-ins at school and picking up last minute items in order to be prepared for the first day. Fortunately, the week was not all drudgery. 

I had visits with friends both Tuesday and Friday. On Tuesday, my friend Bill and his girlfriend Saraleigh came to Colorado Springs. They were vacationing in the mountains from Iowa and I was so thrilled that they were willing to make the day trip to see me. We went to the Garden of the Gods.

My friend Mark came to town on Friday for his annual date with Pikes Peak. My husband, Peyton, Mark and I went to the race expo and then to Helen Hunt falls in Cheyenne canon.

Sometimes people I haven't seen in a long time cry when they first see me. This has happened several times over the last few months. I used to feel very awkward about it. One of my friends this weekend said, "I thought I would never see you again." That is when the lightbulb went off for me, and I learned to just accept the love with grace and humility. How fortunate I feel that there are people who care so much. I guess I have taken it for granted that people knew I would ultimately be ok. Or I assumed that my fears were mine alone. As the fog lifts, I am able to that my friends have helped me carry my burdens all along.

Months ago, my husband said he was not going to race this year. He said this year was about getting me healthy again. I really wanted him to have a race. I wanted him to have something to focus on for himself. So, I signed him up for Pikes Peak Ascent. Steve has wanted to do the double the year he turns fifty in two years, so he needs to keep his qualifier active. I figured by doing the ascent rather than the marathon, he could get away with minimal training and still get his wave 1 qualifier. My husband chose to do no training on the mountain at all and instead spent his time running with me. I was certainly not up for the elevation gain of the Peak this year, so we ran, jogged and walked mostly flat stuff. By the time race day rolled around, Steve's last trip to Pikes Peak had been on ascent day in 2013.

 

Steve wore the Team Tonia pancreatic awareness shirt that Tim Barry designed. This was the first time either of us had seen it before in person. What an touching experience it was to read the various signatures from friends and strangers from around the country.

So, with no real altitude or hill training to speak of, my husband went out and broke his goal of under four hours with a 3:52. He amazes me. His selflessness over the last few months is what really astounds me, though. Steve could have gone out to run on his own whenever he wanted to, but he chose to stick with me instead. My husband is not one to lavish me with flowers or jewelry, but then again I am not one who needs or even wants those things. I know how much I must mean to him by the amount of time he has chosen to spend with me. Steve never missed a chemo appointment, and he sacrificed his own training to slog along with me at my pace. So while that 3:52 may not impress some fast people, it really impresses me for everything it signifies. It signifies his own selfless sacrifices over the last few months, because he is capable of running faster. It also demonstrates his strength and resolve to still get his wave one qualifier, even though he was suffering from lack of altitude training.

On Sunday, my friend JoAnne had asked to wear the shirt. Here she is at the start.

I remember when JoAnne did the ascent, she said it was the hardest race she had ever done. I am so proud of my friend for bettering her ascent time by almost 45 minutes and finishing in just under 8 hours! I know how hard it is to get to train on the mountain when you have young kids at home, but she made it happen and finished so strong! I am very proud of JoAnne. 

I want to extend a big congratulations to all of my friends who took on Pikes Peak and Leadville this weekend. I followed people's progress online for the better part of two days. Whether you hit your goals or not, I was inspired by each and every one of you who chose to toe the line.

As for my own running, I have been eyeing a race for months now. I wanted to make it my official comeback race, but I was undecided about distance. Should I run the 50k, which is a much more realistic distance to train for given the time I have, or should I run the 50 mile, which is what my heart wanted to do? The Bear Chase is a race I have run twice. I was third woman in the 50 mile two years ago and won the 100k last year. The 100k was my final race before my surgery, so this race holds an emotional significance for me. As I have begun to feel better, I have decided it was time to get off the fence and make a decision and a commitment to a distance. The last couple of weeks, I have gotten in a couple of 18-22 mile runs. On Thursday, I made it official and signed up for the 50 miler. 

This was the finish line photo with my family last year. I love this picture, because we were so blissfully happy and unaware of what was about to happen to our family over the next few months.

I know I will suffer during the race this year, and I am sure I will not be a podium contender, but I am just happy to be able to return and make an attempt at the 50 mile distance. Going into surgery last year, I was so afraid that I would never run ultra distances again. I am under trained and underprepared right now, but I feel like this is my way of making a bold statement that I will always live my life on my own terms and not be afraid to take chances. 

This coming week is a big one. Monday, August 18 marks 9 months from my surgery. I have my first post treatment testing this week, with CT scans one day and blood tests another. August 22nd will make 9 months from the time I first heard the words pancreatic adenocarcinoma. I anticipate a mixture of emotions cropping up, even though I am not particularly worried about cancer showing up on my tests. This week sounds like the perfect week to start concentrating on 50 mile training.

Breckenridge Getaway

I rarely ever say the words, "I deserve". I do not think the world owes me a good time or a reward. However, I have felt that after enduring more than nine months of the world revolving around my surgery and chemotherapy, my family does "deserve" some time to relax and have fun together. We have earned the right to set aside regular everyday lives and worries and to escape together to rediscover the simple joys in life, and to set aside the day to day stress and fear. This past week, we escaped to Breckenridge for a couple of days. A good friend who knows everything that has transpired over the last few months graciously offered us her space in the mountains for a few days, and we gratefully accepted it.

We loaded everyone in the van and drove up late in the week. 

Just seeing how excited my kids were made me so completely happy.

Even our dog was beside herself with excitement!

Our first day in Breckenridge, we spent time walking around the shops and down by the riverwalk.

Having limited internet connection was actually pretty awesome. We played board games in the evenings and just relaxed, read and talked.

Our second day there, we went for a hike. We decided to hike a 6.8 ish mile hike that goes by old mining cabins, waterfalls and two mountain lakes. The hike has approximately 1900 feet of elevation gain. It starts at 10,400 ish feet and goes up over 12,300 feet. I picked this hike because it sounded like it would be a workout for everyone, but more importantly because it sounded beautiful. One thing I have learned about hiking with kids is if you can motivate them by having specific landmarks as goals, it is a lot more fun and manageable. Just as distance runners learn to do, kids break things down into smaller attainable goals (1/2 mile further to the first cabin! One half mile to the waterfalls!) Also, when the young hiker starts to grow weary, bribing with chocolate works miracles.

We were on the trail before 8 am to try to beat any potential afternoon storms. It was a chilly 40 degrees when I first got up, but had warmed to 45 at the start of our hike. The first two mile segment of this hike is a gradual uphill. It's a good thing, too, because it has been a year since I have been at elevation. Just sitting around in Breckenridge, I could feel my body working harder due to lower availability of oxygen.

During the first two mile stretch, you can see and hear cathedral falls in the distance. Our hike would eventually take us to and then above the falls. Here is a close up of the falls. The picture below shows how far we actually were from it at this point.

A close up.

After two miles, we crossed a jeep road and then continued up the trail. This is where the trail gets steeper. There was only about 1.5 miles left to go, but most of the climbing is in this segment. Fortunately, there were lots of cool sights. This is the first old mining cabin that we encountered.

Waterfalls.

Another mining cabin.

Mining car pulley system.

Finally, we reached lower Mohawk lake.

We ventured up the last bit of trail to upper Mohawk lake. 

A marmot came by to say hello.

An old mining car.

It was very windy and cold at the upper lake, so we hiked down to the lower lake to eat lunch. We then ventured back down the trail and into town, tired and happy and in search of chocolate.

Our last day in Breck, my husband and I went for a short run in the morning. We ended up at this lake.

After our run, we took the girls to the Breck adventure park. We rode up on the gondola and tried out a few of the attractions. Aside from the rides, I think the most enjoyment came from the ability to play on a big pile of snow in July. No one loves snow more than Peyton and Steve.  They both had to take turns sliding down the hill before getting into a snowball fight.

After lunch we had to pack up and come home. I loved being away for even a short period of time without the intrusions of every day life. It was a quick trip but it was a reminder, as Riley said, of how fun it is to just hang out with our family. There has been a lot of fear and sadness in our house. Taking even a short period of time away without distractions can at least temporarily help us leave all of that behind. 

Now it is back to reality. My husband had to work on Sunday. I did a training run with Vanessa, then went grocery shopping and took the kids to do some school supply shopping. Today I have to return to the cancer center for the first time since my last day of chemo to have my port flushed. I am glad I have some good memories to hold in my heart. 

Cancer, Running and the Gift of Friendships

I have been toying with running a race this fall. I am still trying to determine what distance I am capable of training for and completing. I will likely either attempt a 50k or a 50 mile. My preference would be the 50 mile because I love that distance. However, I just do not know if I am capable of getting adequate training for a 50 miler between now and race day. This week, I did two medium distance runs a few days apart. I ran a flat 16 miler alone one day, and then a hilly 15 miler in cheyenne canon with my husband four days later.

I am not concerned with my running pace right now. I am just allowing how I feel to dictate my pace. The only time I break out my Garmin is if I am just interested in figuring out how far I have run. The heat continues to be a real issue for me. I am hoping that I will adapt with time. Monday was particularly warm, but I managed to log 16 miles.

On Tuesday, I ran four miles with Phil, who is coming back from an injury. Even though he has taken six weeks off from running, I still feel like he could potentially leave me in the dust. That evening, my husband and I went sans children to Jack Quinn's running club.  It was almost like a real date! We ran the 5k and hung out in the pub for a bit, chatting with other runners.

On Wednesday, I met up with Kathy and Clancy for a ten mile run and conversation. On Thursday, I suffered in a way I had not all week. I guess my exuberance was starting to catch up on me. I cut the run a little short, and added some walking breaks in because I knew I had a more ambitious outing planned for the next day.

On Friday,  Steve and I headed off to some of my favorite trails in Cheyenne Canon. I had originally figured we would run 10-14 miles. I surprised myself in that I felt better than I thought I would and I did not have to hike as much as I had anticipated. We knocked out 15 miles Friday morning. My legs got pretty tired on the downhill on our way back to the car, because my hill running has been very limited for months now. I have really missed these views and am so happy to be physically able to make it back here. 

Saturday morning, my husband and I ran together again. Friday's adventures had caught up with me, so I did a fair share of walking. By Sunday morning, I had recovered enough to not have to walk at all during my ten mile run with Vanessa. 

The pattern, if it is not already obvious, is that I seem to have energy just about every other day. I am thinking that this likely will mean I end up signing up for the 50k instead of the 50 mile. I think I will be able to get in some progressively longer runs as long as I allow myself time to rest and recover. I do not know if I will have the physical energy to do back to back longer runs that I deem personally necessary to run a decent 50 mile race. I still have a little time left before I have to make a decision, but I feel like my body is making it for me right now.

One issue I dealt with over the last couple of months of chemo that continues to give me problems is mouth sores. Prior to chemo, I never had problems with these painful sores. Towards the end of my treatment, I started developing them. This week I had another bunch crop up. Eating, drinking and even talking have been extremely painful all week. I hope the sores subside and do not come back beyond the fact that they hurt like hell, I really hate missing meals.

In non-running news for the week, I got to have a "girls night" with Riley on Thursday.

Since it was just us that night, we had intended to watch a movie and go to bed early. Instead, we ended up staying up late talking. I feel so fortunate that we have the kind of relationship where we enjoy discussions about meaningful concepts (love, marriage, relationships, as well as illness, death, God). It is far better to lose out on a little sleep and be present in those moments when they come. I hope I am always able to be here for my daughters. I am pretty sure when my girls are grown and gone, I will always remember and hold dear the conversations we have shared. 

I have long had a network of close running friends. Somehow, my cancer diagnosis seems to have widened that circle of friends. I continue to be humbled by the love and openness of the friends I have known for many years, and by the new friends I have made over the last several months. I have wondered at times why anyone would want to start a friendship with me while I am dealing with something so time and energy consuming. I have worried that my "baggage" would frighten people off. Yet it has not. Instead, I have forged several new and wonderful friendships over these last few months. Maybe it's because I feel that my experience has helped me to cut through formalities. I don't want to waste time on superficial discussions or meaningless pursuits. Or maybe it is the realization that my time is not infinite. I feel the need to fill my life and my heart with good people. Or maybe my experiences have just helped open my heart more, and to make me seek out kind and giving people. Whatever it is, I am glad my circumstances have deepened older friendships and brought the gift of new ones.

I started my blog months ago in large part because when I went looking for other pancreatic cancer survivors, there was not a whole lot that I could find that had a positive outcome. I started writing and sharing my story because I wanted to find a way to connect with other people in my situation or in a similar situation. I was hoping that somewhere down the line, my story would give hope and comfort to another person facing challenging life circumstances. Since I have started writing, I have been contacted by several people who have been newly diagnosed with cancer. Some have been fellow pancreatic cancer patients. Others have had other forms of cancer. The common theme is that people want to connect with others who understand the fear that comes with being diagnosed with cancer and the uncertainty of what the future might bring. I feel privileged that so many people have chosen to contact me and share their stories with me. Please keep connecting with me and honoring me with your stories. I have enjoyed being inspired by every person who has chosen to share their struggles and challenges with me.