Tuesday, January 7, 2014

"I am so sorry. That really sucks"

Throughout this whole process or testing, surgery, diagnosis, and now starting treatment, I have really been blown away by how kind and thoughtful people are. My friends have all rallied and done kind and helpful things both big and small. People sent flowers and candy and brought my family food. People helped out with my kids. People called me and sent me texts and emails to see how we are doing. When I couldn't run, people met me at my house to walk very slowly with me. They brought and sent me books. The kindness of my fellow human beings has enveloped me in love and friendship over the last couple of months. I can never express how grateful I feel for the support I have received. 
   This post really is not about my particular situation. It applies to anyone who is going through something traumatic. The subject has come up a number of times in conversations between my friends and I: What do you say to someone going through a really difficult time? Sometimes people don't say anything at all, often because they just don't know what to say. Or sometimes people worry they will say the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I am really sorry. That really sucks". If you know the person fairly well, you could always throw in a, "how can I help?" I can guarantee no one expects you to fix their problems, but I know that people will welcome those who reach out to them. People who are struggling with something want to feel like they are cared for and are not alone. Acknowledging the situation and admitting that it is crappy is good. We KNOW we are in a crappy situation, so do don't worry about exposing the elephant in the room. Acknowledging the elephant in the room validates the experience and the feelings of the person who lives with the elephant.   People in need will welcome the fact that you have taken time out of your life to reach out to them. Even if it seems like a small deal to you, it is a huge deal to your struggling friend. 
  We will all face adversity in life, whether it be an illness, death of a loved one, job loss, divorce, etc. If you know someone who is dealing with a great difficulty, take a moment to reach out to them. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Just let that person know you are aware of his or her struggles. The recipient of your concern will be very happy to hear from you. A kindness is never forgotten.

9 comments:

  1. It truly does suck...and I hate when my kids use that phrase, so I generally don't. Nothing else gets it across quite so 'eloquently' though. Cancer sucks.

    But you don't! :)

    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  2. I AM sorry, that really sucks...
    wish I was closer...
    Kerry

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nice way to share your thoughtsand wisdom Tonia. You are so strong and inspiring even if you currently feel weak.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your words are beautiful and far-reaching, bringing tears to my eyes. It's what life is ultimately about, isn't it? Holding each other up through all times, easy and difficult, whether close friends or strangers. Your words helped to lift me up today. Thank you, Tonia.
    -Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  5. This post reminds me of a book I just finished reading and was going to tell you about called How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick by Letty Cottin Pogrebin. The whole book basically deals with the topic you talk about above.

    ReplyDelete
  6. There is also a chapter in the book in which LCP talks about how she feels her body betrayed her and she can no longer trust what she always thought were pretty good instincts about her physical self. Wondered what you might think about it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for the feedback. Laura, I generally reserve the word "sucks" for a more informal exchange, but obviously it helps to know your audience. Perhaps, "that's really terrible, or hard or difficult or challenging" might be a better choice for different situations. However, sometimes, "that sucks" just sums it up. Jane and Lisa, I am glad this resonated with you. This really wasn't about me. I just have seen people struggle with knowing what to say. Life really IS about helping one another get through both the good and bad. Debby, you will probably recognize this topic because we have talked about it at length while running. I will have to check out that book. I do not feel like my body has betrayed me. Maybe when I am sick from chemo I will, but right now I still see myself as a very healthy person with a touch of cancer. I do have a friend who has a long term illness who has expressed those exact thoughts of being betrayed by her body. Check back with me in a few months.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tonia, you have always been the kind of friend who is willing to tell it like it is. And here you are at it again.... May I suggest we call your cancer "Hoover" or "Dyson" because it does suck? No more elephants...we just give it a name and talk about it like a horrible house guest that WILL eventually go away! You are loved, woman!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Angie...I do tell it like it is but hopefully I have learned the delicate art of tact over the years! :) love you too!

    ReplyDelete